Relationship has been viewed by researchers as a sequence of developmental stages, a process through which the partners strive for balance between their need for individual autonomy and their desire for togetherness. This particular description of relational stages has been adapted from the work of California psychologist Ellyn Bader.
Love and Doubt (A poem by Y. Amichai)
So much of interpersonal strife (like broader political conflict) derives from our insistence on remaining in that “place where we are right.” Our conversations, supported by our sense of certainty and righteousness and devoid of self-questioning, doubt and even love, slide easily into conflict and standoff.
In this brief, beautiful poet, the great Israeli poet Yehuda Amichai* suggests that growth can blossom, not from our certainties, but from our “doubts and loves.” I include both the original Hebrew and the English translation.**
Reexamining Desire in Women (M. Castleman)
Recent studies have challenged the conventional wisdom that desire must precede sexual arousal; they claim, contrary to this model, that for many women, desire is not the cause of lovemaking, but rather, its result, particularly in long-term relationships.
This approach is outlined in an article by Michael Castleman* that appeared Psychology Today in 2009 (Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It?).
Giving Feedback That Can Be Heard (B. Brown)
Many couples struggle with the giving and receiving of criticism. Often framed in ways that shame, blame, belittle or humiliate, criticism is rarely well-received and usually results in defensiveness and disengagement. A helpful way to get around these pitfalls is to think in terms of constructive, honest and engaged feedback.
Kissing: Gender Differences – Part 2 (N. Shpancer)
In his Psychology Today article “What’s in a Kiss?,” psychology professor Noam Sphancer explores “the kiss as ambassador and spy in sexual politics.” In this second posting on kissing abridged from his original article, Shpancer notes an interesting set of research findings related to gender differences in attitudes and expectations about kissing.
What’s in a Kiss? – Part 1 (N. Shpancer)
Kissing is a cross-cultural and global experience. In this and the next posting, we will look at the function of kissing according to various psychologists, and then at gender differences in attitudes and expectations about kissing.
These postings are selected and abridged from psychology professor Noam Shpancer’s article (Psychology Today, 2.02.13) on “the kiss as ambassador and spy in sexual politics.” Please note that some (though not all) of his analysis relates more to the dynamics of heterosexual kissing.
100-Year-Old Marriage Advice (R.M. Rilke)
In 1902, the famous Bohemian-Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke began a letter correspondence with a 19-year-old aspiring poet and military cadet named Franz Kappus who was trying to decide between a literary and a military career. In his letters, Rilke offers advice on how a poet should feel, love, and seek truth in trying to understand and experience life and art. In 1929, three years after Rilke’s death, the ten letters were published as Briefe an einen jungen Dichter (Letters to a Young Poet).
The Three Love Systems (H. Fisher)
Helen E. Fisher (b. 1947) is an American anthropologist (Rutgers University) and human behavior researcher of the biology of love and attraction. She was hired as the chief scientific advisor to the Internet dating site, Chemistry.com, a division of Match.com. Fisher has conducted extensive research and written five books on the evolution and future of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, and the chemistry of romantic love.